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Once I learned how to love myself, it became the foundation for a tremendous amount of bravado.If I could rid myself of the wrong guys in my life, what other wrongs could I right? I got rid of toxic friends who fostered negative feelings in me.I dated here and there for two years until I met my most serious boyfriend, the big addiction, a man so damaged and emotionally unavailable that trying to get consistent behavior out of him was like playing Emotional Unavailability Chess with Bobby Fischer.If the other guys had been gateway drugs, this guy was the Rejection Drug version of uncut smack, and I was completely ready to give up life, career, money and anything else that I had to get this guy to stay in love with me.That is, until the night he pulled me aside and told me that he had cheated on me. The one guy I trusted to break the streak had betrayed me.I dumped him and proceeded to date five more guys throughout college—all of whom cheated on me.On the last night of high school, one of the coolest boys in my class—the captain of the wrestling team and a smoking hot jock—came up to me and admitted that he thought I was cute.I didn't know what to do about what he said next: "Yeah, I always wanted to ask you out, but you were always into all these other really weird guys. He wouldn't have rejected me, so I wasn't really interested. After the Hot Jock boosted my confidence, I went out to my first fraternity party and picked up the hottest football player I could find.
I declined invitations; I ached for someone to touch me, for the drama of a bad relationship.My dating life after graduation followed similar patterns.I went for guys who were, I thought, deeply interested in me but soon faded away.I would fall madly for them, they would lose interest, and I would lie at home crying into my covers.I'd lament love and listen to depressing radio until some poor guy would pick up a pencil I dropped in English class and become my next unwitting pusher.
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I spent a lot of time hiding from boys in junior high and high school. All of my friends tried to give me advice as they had their first kisses and groping sessions with boys they'd learned to attract.